i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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