M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
