I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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