I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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