If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
