Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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