How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
