He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
