Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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