Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
