Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
