it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
