totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
