Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize