Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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