Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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