No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
