my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
