You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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