You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
