I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
