I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need to stop coming to work sober
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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