I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
