I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
