I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
