Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
