she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
