I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize