LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
