I think im going to throw up on grandma
barbara walters just said penis...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
