I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
