I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
