if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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