:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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