The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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