There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize