It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
