Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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