God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
