He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
