my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
