Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
