I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
