I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
