note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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