Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
