Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
