please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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