I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
