Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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