Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
