I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
