I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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