look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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