my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
