i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
